Hannah Marie (starboundlover) wrote in dreamersdesire,
Hannah Marie
starboundlover
dreamersdesire

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Well... Change of plans

The creator of this community asked me to post a letter I recieved from my boyfriend Saturday. I was goin to, but in all actuality the idea of posting that kinda of letter in the internet seems a little too much like a betrayal to me. His letters have become a part of his soul, and to broadcast the little he shares with me just doesn't feel right. So instead of his letter I will share a little of our story, which in all actuality may take a while...

Let's see... I met Ryan, my boyfriend, when I was I think 13. I was at my best friend's birthday party. I had noticed him on and off all night, but another friend had gotten her hands, literally ALL over him. So, not being the aggresive type bowed out for the night. Later on, when the rest of the party crew had gone home, introductions were made between the two of us, I don't know exactly the best way to explain this, but there was just a split second when our eyes locked and something deep inside my soul told me he would be a huge part of my life.

Well, I went into high school the next year ('99). He was a rebel senior, and I was the inocent freshman, who mistakenly fell in love with an uncapturable man. We dated twice that year, neither times lasting very long at all.

In the next couple of years we dated a couple more times and our friendship at least began to bolossom, somewhat. Unfortunately I was oblivious to the fact that he was in way over his head into drugs. He had also begun to see a girl 6 years younger than him. Her name ~ Kenli. Kenli and I never did get along very well. For whatever reason she always felt threatened to me. This was something I did not understand at all, because she had literally seemed to poison his blood. Well eventually their relationship took a nasty turn, and they saw no feasible way out. With less than a month left on probation for a previous charge, Ryan and Kenli left town together. This, as you can imagine tore me up. You see the night before they took off Ryan had told me he was basically sick of living and just wanted to die, and when he first left I thought he was alone, and dead. I was actually releived to discover that Kenli was with him, at least that way I knew they were alive. Kenli had become another one of Ryan's drugs - something to help ease the pain of a past I still don't understand fully. Unfortunately she could do just about as much, if not more damage, to him as the drugs did.

In August of 2002, my senior year in high school, Ryan and Kenli were finally brought back home with the help of authorities from elsewhere. I hurt so very much for him then. I wanted him so bad to turn to the Lord and realize that the only way to truly stop hurting was to trust God. Ryan, did not see God then quite like I did. He knew he had lost everything after he came back home. He was in jail, he was forbidden to see this girl who had infiltrated his body, and he left a good life here at home behind. He had disappointed everyone around him, and given up on himself. Ryan decided to take his own life one afternoon, after a particularly nasty discussion with the local county judge. Thank God above that there recently had been new security cameras installed in the jail facilities at the local sheriff's office, and they were able to save him from a terrible terrible mistake. He was sent to a state security psychiatric hospital. All his time in jail Ryan wrote to me. He letters often filled with doubt, fear, and most of all abandonment.

Ryan finally got out of the county jail in April or May of 2003. He was placed in a half-way house located in a town an hour and a half away. He was glad to be out, but scared to death of himself too. His first couple weeks out were refreshing for him. He was still scared and upset, but he was surviving. Unfortunately it didn't take him a month before he found his way back to the drugs. The night before my high school graduation (which he had told me he wanted sorely to attend) Ryan took off for the second time, violating his probation, and half-way house rules again. He was high, and scared, and apparently upset that he could not see Kenli.

Of course I was just as upset that he took off this time as before. I worried and often cried myself to sleep praying to almighty God that he was ok. As a coping mechanism I decided to let go of all the love I had for Ryan, to just throw him to the dogs, where he always seemed to run anyway. All I had longed for is for him to run to me to God, but he never could and I was sick of believing that if I just stuck around long enough he would.

In June 2004 he was caught for the second time in New Mexico. He was high, and in possession of drugs and drug paraphenalia. Ryan had sent a letter to me through my best friend, before I had a chance to even read it I made up my mind to tell him off. He had brought me down with him, and I could no longer stand on my own two feet with him, so I decided to let him go.

Ryan wrote me a second time from down in New Mexico, this time I read it. His letter was filled with repentence and begged for my forgiveness. Although I was sceptical I couldn't just turn my back on it, for Ryan also said one other thing. He was praying. PRAYING!!! He had some how found faith.

In august 2003 I left for school in the big state of new york, 27 hours away from where Ryan was. We still kept in touch through letters. That december before I went home for Christmas break I recieved a letter from Ryan saying that he was finally in love with me, and that he wanted to be baptised. Of course this made me elated. We got back together then.

Ryan was sentenced that same month to ten years in New Mexico, 5 of which he would spend in a state prison. This was a difficult time for both of us. Somehow in the last 4 months we had grown closer than we imagined.

When Ryan was placed in the state prison he lost track of faith. I was worried and scared, but since he was still trying to keep his head up high I tried to keep my head up as well.

This past month Ryan was moved to the Christian's Unit of the prison (a desicion he requested). He has grown so strong in his faith their and the letter I recieved was written after he had a weekend full of Faith building. People he didn't know came in and really showed him the unconditional love of Christ. Something that Ryan, was in desperate need to be shown. He is doing better than I have EVER heard him. God has not only brought Ryan closer to him, but he has also helped our relationship reach new heights.

One of the things I had always longed for in a relationship was someone I could share a good devotional with. Someone I could sit and pray with and talk about how faithful God had been in our lives. Finally I found that in a man I have loved for 4.25 years now. I can do nothing but praise God.
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  • 4 comments
wow.. that's a beautiful thing.. many people would have left him and given up.. and even though you thought about it, you didn't give up hope, because you love him and you had faith in him... reading this reminded me of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.. we always see that relationship as cancerous and disastrous and that it should be ended, but the fact remains that Whitney loves him and will remain loyal and faithful to her man.. and after reading this, I suppose I can understand it just a little bit more...

Love isn't logical; as a matter of fact, it often makes very little sense.. but it's a beautiful thing, and it is blessed by God.. and I'm impressed and happy to know that not only are you hanging onto God and your faith, but you're also hanging on to your love.

Way to go, Darlin.. and may God bless you both..

H. <3
You have no idea how helpful and uplifting a few words can be to us both these days. He's dealing with prison life, and I am trying to explain to everyone here at home exactly how things work and convince them it is for real. I think the biggest deal is everyone sees him as a prisoner first and a person second. To me he has never been that troubled boy with the drug problem. He's always been my friend, my lover, my companion. I dunno why I added that, just a little fyi. But thanks again! :)
Thanks for posting this for me dear. It didn't matter if it was the letter but what you guys have been about for so long. Your love for him reminds me of how things should be. ::hugs:: ^_^
How things should be huh? I dunno about that, but thanks. :) Hope you had a great day. Luv ya hun!